The more we heal holistically, the more we become aware of the shortcomings of our parents and the way they raised us. It’s neither about blaming them for our trauma. Nor is it about making excuses for their behavior, especially if they keep resisting change and accountability. Our parents’ own trauma may explain their toxic and dysfunctional behavior, but it’s not an excuse for continuing to unleash their shadows on others.
We can do better
All of this is about increasing self-awareness so that we can raise our children better than we were raised. Having a roof over their little heads and food on the table is not enough. When we hear someone talk about childhood trauma, we immediately think of what their parents or caregivers must have done to them. But often it’s the things they didn’t do, such as not being emotionally present, not noticing or validating their children’s emotional and psychological needs, or even disregarding them. Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is very harmful, yet there is little awareness of it in society.
The hard truth about my father
On my own healing journey, I began to realize that I was not only raised by an emotionally unavailable father, but also by an emotionally immature and narcissistic one. My dad is a covert narcissist. This type of narcissism is not as obvious as, for example, the well-known overt narcissist who exhibits grandiosity or a sense of superiority.
What these types have in common is the lack of empathy, the self-centeredness, the desire to be in control, and that they disregard others. The hard truth is that they truly do not care about other people. Others are only seen as an energy supply – energy in form of admiration, attention, or catering to their needs.
Covert narcissists
While overt narcissists are usually extroverted & charming and therefore easier to spot, the signs of covert narcissism are more subtle. Covert narcissists are also known as vulnerable narcissists and are perceived as rather introverted & insecure.
Here are signs that will tell you if you are dealing with a covert narcissist:
- they are always the victim in their stories – always – even in problems of their own making
- they are hypersensitive to criticism
- they strongly envy others, even their own children
- what they want takes precedence over everything else
- they don’t care about your needs
- they aren’t there for you when you need help, or only help if it makes them look good in front of others, but they expect you to do anything for them
- they ignore and overstep your boundaries
- they neglect you emotionally
- they show “low-level” disrespectful behaviors such as criticizing, belittling, demeaning or undermining you
- they label you as “crazy”, “difficult”, or “oversensitive”
- they are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their actions because they don’t see them as wrong
- when you address their behavior, they immediately deny it and blame you instead – this manipulative tactic is called DARVO – Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim & Offender
- they frequently lie to you and spread lies & misinformation about you behind your back
- they scapegoat the family member who begins to heal and see the family dysfunction
- there is an undertone of pressure in their communication to control how you behave in the relationship
- they try to control you through guilt, rejection or punishment, such as the silent treatment or passive-aggressive behavior
- they manipulate your perception through gaslighting to make you doubt your experiences
- they have a subtle smirk on their face when they triggered a reaction out of you – this grin shows that they know they have hurt you
- their vibrational frequency is very low – they cannot feel true joy or laugh wholeheartedly
- they have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior
- they hold grudges for a very long time
- they have problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
- they have unexpected outbursts of anger… and then just go about their day as if nothing happened
- they are cold & distant at home, while being friendly to others
- they appear in public as a good, caring & charitable person, but only to maintain the appearance and image of an altruistic person
Their example of relationship & parenting
What I’ve learned not only from healing from narcissistic abuse, but also from reflecting on it, is that a narcissist who exhibits this type of behavior is showing his kids how a father treats the mother of his children, how a man treats a woman, and also what behavior a woman should tolerate.
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, then it’s the other way around. You’ve witnessed how a mother treats the father in this dynamic. What we have been shown is a negative example of relationship & parenting and the opposite of what a Divine union is.
A bruised soul
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long and winding road because it leaves your soul bruised. Narcissistic abuse is emotional and mental abuse. It leaves you without a sense of self, self-esteem and self-worth. Your mental well-being has been undermined. Your subconscious belief about yourself is that you don’t matter, that you are not important and never enough. You feel disconnected from yourself and others. Your nervous system has been dysregulated for a long time due to the lack of safety and trust, which may have led to hypervigilance, anxiety, freeze or fawn response, or unexplained physical symptoms, such as fatigue, insomnia, nausea or stomach pain.
How to heal
Recognizing the abuse is the first step. Other steps include: distancing yourself from the harmful situation, taking time for loving & nurturing self-care, delving into self-healing techniques, validating your experience, seeking support, learning to speak your truth and to set boundaries, reflecting on healthy & unhealthy relationships, understanding trauma bonds, breaking the codependency cycle, learning to trust your intuition again, rediscovering yourself, seeking self-forgiveness, accepting yourself exactly as you are, recognizing your worth, and learning to love yourself wholeheartedly & unapologetically.
Once you see it,…
You can’t unsee it. Once you are able to notice the signs and patterns of narcissism, you are unable to go back to “life as usual”, which serves as protection from further abuse.
This kind of emotional and mental abuse is something that is beyond comprehension. The fact that such people exist and that they are parents is inconceivable. We didn’t deserve that.
Our human self is plagued by the injustice of it all, because this experience has overshadowed our life for a long time, sometimes for decades – resulting in us ending up in relationships with narcissists because it felt familiar and normal – until we began to heal our trauma. It led us to the realization that it was our unprocessed childhood trauma and the negative beliefs we had developed about ourself that kept us stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
A shift in perception
What helped me on my healing journey was taking a step back, shifting my perception, and looking for a higher purpose in all of this. My higher self wanted this experience so that I could really become conscious of what I accept in a relationship and what I will no longer tolerate in my life going forward. This is why I have become so passionate about holistic healing, self-mastery, and the topic of Divine Femininity and Divine Masculinity.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I know it’s not easy to see such an upbringing as a blessing in disguise. Bringing gratitude to this situation made it easier for me to accept it.
Values we hold dear
Firstly, shifting my perception of the childhood trauma I had experienced helped me to reflect on what is important to me in a relationship and what values I want to embody myself, such as trust, respect, honesty, vulnerability, open & clear communication, true intimacy, commitment, devotion, safety, accountability, integrity, growth, authenticity, love, empathy and compassion.
And secondly, I have gained a clearer understanding of how we can raise emotionally & mentally healthy kids. By being truly present with them, listening to their needs, not shaming or devaluing their needs, experiences or emotions, letting them know that they are loved exactly as they are, showing emotional and physical closeness, and modeling empathy for them at home and with others, to name a few.
The foundation for future generations
Being able to see more clearly what toxic behavior is versus embodied Divine Masculinity or Femininity strengthens our understanding of how relationships should be. And since we all have an inner balance of feminine and masculine energies, it also helps us to better understand both of our energies and demonstrate their Divine expression.
When we pledge our full commitment to our healing and self-improvement, this sacred inner union of our masculine & feminine energies leads to sacred outer union in our relationships. Imagine what we would show our children if they experienced a true loving Divine union of their parents. And imagine a world where we all raise emotionally & mentally healthy kids because we are self-aware and have done our inner work. It’s the foundation for future generations of the New Earth.
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