“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” We all know this saying of Jesus. It’s about not holding other people’s wrongdoings and unacceptable behavior against them. We are able to show compassion and forgive others when we realize that they have done or are doing the best with the level of awareness they have. That’s what I used to tell others and myself, too, but I’ve stopped. Why?
A transformational time period
Because we now live in a very transformational time here on Earth, in an age where everyone is being asked to clean up their act and take accountability for their wounded, dysfunctional, or toxic behavior. The childhood trauma and conditioning we experienced explains the way we think, act, and feel today, but it can no longer be an excuse for continuing to hurt others. Our trauma wasn’t our fault, but it’s our responsibility to heal and address anything that is not love within us. Yet there are people who refuse to do the inner work, befriend their shadows and release their emotional baggage.
Ignorance is a choice
This phrase from Jesus may still apply if someone is truly unaware of how their past is affecting their present life, but not for much longer. As I said above, we live in a time of profound change because the vibrational frequency of Earth is rising. As we have more light on this planet, our shadows are more visible. The light is shining a spotlight on the darkness in the world and in ourselves.
We’re moving into an age where someone who doesn’t know what they are doing is actually ignorant. With a higher frequency on Earth, there’s also a greater level of consciousness among humanity. We are able to see more clearly and have a better understanding of ourselves and others. Therefore, ignorance is a choice.
Some people do know what they are doing
There are people in this world – especially narcissists – who actually know that they hurt others. They simply don’t care because they think that their hurtful, neglectful and abusive behavior is justified. This is a hard pill to swallow, I know. When you are an empath, you easily put yourself in someone else’s shoes. So it’s difficult to accept that someone is completely incapable of empathy and actually knows what they are doing and continues to do it anyway, even though they are hurting others in the process. Their brutality is incomprehensible, especially when they appear nice to the outside world.
They appear as a caring person in public
Narcissists are amazing actors, as they wear their mask of kindness and charm very convincingly in the presence of strangers, neighbors, or friends. This is why we actually need to talk more about narcissism – in particular covert narcissism – because people with these traits are harder to spot than the overt narcissist who displays a grandiose sense of self-importance. Covert narcissists also have a very strong sense of superiority and self-importance, but it’s internalized, which means that it is imperceptible to others. Nevertheless, it is the driving force behind their manipulative and abusive behavior.
Their public and private life do not match
Although they are excellent at manipulating others into believing that they have a happy and peaceful private life, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Their public image and their private life do not match.
The manipulation, control, emotional neglect and emotional & mental abuse take place behind closed doors. Therefore, we need to raise awareness of this issue so that victims feel seen and heard. Covert narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are dangerous and cause great damage to a person’s psyche and soul. They are brilliantly disguised as victims of their past and thrive on their victim mentality. Covert narcissists love their “poor me” image and always justify their current behavior with their difficult past. Their hidden but massive sense of superiority, their desire for control and their complete lack of empathy is what makes them so dangerous. Read more about signs that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist here.
Enabling mistreatment and abuse
When we continue to excuse other people’s unacceptable behavior with their past and childhood trauma, we are actually enabling them to keep mistreating or abusing others and us. It’s as if we gaslight ourselves that the abuse we perceive isn’t happening or isn’t that bad. But it is. It’s time that we stop this. We need to stop turning the other cheek. Childhood trauma is not a free pass to hurt others. Other people have also experienced childhood trauma, but they don’t go around hurting others. They take accountability for their actions and invest time in their inner work. They are aware of their wounds and shadows and decide to embark on a path of healing.
If you still find yourself excusing other people’s behavior, ask yourself why. Maybe you have people pleasing tendencies and want to be a good girl or good boy. This coping mechanism also stems from childhood. Or do you comply with the narcissist because you fear their anger and disapproval? That’s why you prioritize your narcissistic partner’s needs over your own and those of your children. In every narcissistic family, there is an enabling parent.
Children do not need to be the bigger person
If your partner and father/mother of your kids is a narcissist, please stop telling your children that they should be the bigger person in this situation just to keep the peace at home. You’re actually telling them that their normal reaction to the parental abuse and neglect is not okay. That their boundaries are not okay. That’s how your narcissistic partner and father/mother of your kids will never take responsibility for how they treat their children.
After all, they are the adult and the parent in this scenario. As children, we are not responsible for making a parent feel comfortable and regulating their emotions for them. With comments like this, you are only telling your children that there’s something wrong with them, that they should keep quiet and let themselves be mistreated in order to keep the peace in the household. What will these children do? They will obey, people please, and deny their own needs. They will feel invalidated and unprotected. These children grow up with no boundaries for themselves, no self-love, no self-esteem, no voice… On top of that, the narcissistic parent knows all along that they are hurting their children, but they do not care. They truly do not care as long as they get what they want. It’s all about them and their needs.
Who is the victim?
I’ve just been reminded of a quote. It’s actually about depression, but it applies here too: “People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” Victims of abuse pretend that everything is fine, sometimes for decades, until they find the courage to talk about it, because they finally admit to themselves that it was abuse. Unlike the covert narcissist who always tells others that they are the victim and does not change anything because they want to maintain the illusion that it’s never their fault and because they don’t want to take responsibility.
Actual victims embark on their healing journey and in the process begin to open up and talk about the abuse. So listen carefully if someone always presents themselves as the victim in every situation, even in problems of their own making. This is one of the signs that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist and not an actual victim of narcissistic abuse.
Believing the actual victims
This cycle of showing so much compassion to the abuser because of their difficult past but not to the victims must end. As Earth is going through major changes, we also need to stop denying what’s happening in society and in families. We must listen to the actual victims and believe them, because we know that narcissists lie. They almost always do. And they believe their own lies, their own delusional perception of reality. Furthermore, it’s important to know that they do not abuse all their children, but predominantly only the highly sensitive and intuitive ones, because these kids would see through the game, the deception and the lies if they weren’t gaslit, devalued and manipulated.
If you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I see you, and I know you’re telling the truth.
Why I no longer use Jesus’ phrase
You may be wondering how I came to the conclusion to stop using this famous phrase from Jesus. Because of my narcissistic father, who displays all the behaviors of a covert narcissist, and because of other family members who cling to the illusion that everything is fine and deny the dysfunction in our family. They keep ignoring all the red flags in his behavior and in their own.
After years of excusing my dad’s abusive and neglectful behavior with his difficult past, I realized that this enabled him to continue playing the victim. He still does. What has changed, however, is that I’ve set strong boundaries to stop being mistreated. I understood that it was time to stop gaslighting myself, to be less sensitive and more compassionate & understanding. Time to stop excusing his manipulative and abusive behavior with his “lack of awareness”. The realization that he actually knows what he is doing was difficult to process. The moments when his mask fell and the monster shone through are etched in my brain.
Seeing the bigger picture
Furthermore, I have come to understand that it is not only my responsibility to heal, but also to remove people from my life, or at least limit their access to me, who do not want to take responsibility for their past and keep playing the victim. The saying “hurt people hurt people” brings understanding to someone’s behavior, but we need to evolve beyond that. Standing up for myself and talking about my past – not as a victim, but to raise awareness of this topic – is part of my healing process and brings change to this world. With openness, vulnerability, honesty, and integrity, we are able to help and inspire others and create a better world.
We are all in this together
Regardless of whether someone is a narcissist or not, whether someone has experienced emotional and mental abuse or not, whether someone had a seemingly happy childhood or not, we have all experienced conditioning and programming by the culture, country, community or religion we grew up in. So we are all asked to heal and purify, to evolve and ascend.
Imagine if we all embarked on the path to healing and stopped playing the victim in our life. If we all took responsibility for our wounds and trauma, the world would quickly look very different.